Apparently I'm a sleepwalker.

There isn't a single day in which I do not wake up in an uncomfotable position.


Sleeping with a ball made of sheets under my back? check.
Sleeping with my hands in the air like I'm in a concert in the middle of a feel-good song doing the wave? check.

I started suspecting my sleep position might not be optimal, especially my neck area, so I bought one of those flat pillows, my doc said it would help with back problems better than a fluffy one.

                                                             Like this, but slimmer.

So ready to sleep, I tuck myself in bed, and wake up the next day relived of my problems.

Or so I would have wished, the pillow was in the floor, while I was sleeping in a position similar to Michael Jackson's moonwalk if it had been done by a spastic monkey after it was given 5 adrenaline shots in a row.

This went on for a week, until it hit me...

What if I were to be a sleepwalker, but not just any sleepwalker, a CONTORTIONIST sleepwalker?

                                              Apparently my favourite sleeping position.

I had to make sure, so I go to bed at night while having the sheets placed around my body, only to wake up with the sheet on the floor with part of it is literally tied to my waist and leg (yes, I have very long sheets), immediate proof of my special sleeping talents.

Now, a sane person would have their doctor know they sleep uncomfortably and try to find a solution to this, I'm pretty sure there are doctors which specialize in sleep and can give you a guide on how to sleep comfortably while not twisting your spine like a dominatrix's whip multiple times a night.

I'm not a sane person.

With the (poor) evidence of my nocturnal deeds, I let my imagination wild, I could be a star, the BIGGEST star, the master of the body joints, the (slept) mind-over-matter ace, the most proficient body-twisting guru in the world, the ultimate yoga sage (isn't that what you people who go to yoga do? uncomfortable positions which revolve around mystical crotch feng-shui?), who woudn't want to do a movie without a person who can twist their joints in inhumane ways?

All of this was thrown to the ground when my friend, whom from now on I'll reffer as Cpt. Buzz Genocide decided to let me know in no uncertain terms that "Dude, at best you'll end up as a circus freak"

                                              He may have this expression on his face.

My stardom career thrown to the ground from the very start, I thank Cpt. Buzzkill and bid him farewell, while I quietly weep at night as I place my body in uncomfortable shapes and try to live a life in which instead of being "Captain elastic crotch" I will only be "that grumpy person who complains a lot about back pain".