Booyah

Sorry for the lack of post yesterday, ended up going to sleep at 8 PM because I'm a huge wuss.

Also I was tired, very very tired, probably due to a not-very-light dinner.

May a simpsons gif atone for my sins while I prepare today's post?

Also, Random song button's song has been changed!.

Not sure if better...

Tried changing the blog layout to something simpler... not sure if like.

What are your opinions on it?

Yes... yes....

The daily page views are getting dangerously close to 10, I am pleased.

On other news, I started gym today, let me say that everything people say about feeling "renewed" is utter bullshit, I feel like I have a mad magical elf stabbing all my joints whenever I move.

                                                            It's not this kind of elf.

Good side : I have an excuse not to go tomorrow!

Also I will from now on swear to try to keep a weekly update schedule, you already know enough of me to know I am terrible with schedules, but your pessimism is only but good for me.

If I fail to keep the schedule, you will not be surprised, you expected it you asshole.

If I do in fact keep the schedule up, you will be greatly surprised and will renounce whatever god you believe in and pray to me from now on.

I do have an excuse however, I been listening to Type O Negative all day for the past 3 days, so I might just go use some train rails as a pillow.

Also a little spoiler on tomorrow's (or if my joint pain does not allow me to, Wednesday's) update, I will just give you one image.

See you tomorrow! (or not!)

Deleted material from gaming forums.

Apparently companies don't like it when you make satires of their terrible, terrible service.

Also readily apparent by the replies I got for this, the common online game forum denizen has the brain capability of a fruit fly, because they have never heard of the word satire before.

This is an entry from an MMORPG forum (yes I play those).

Also the post has been edited to perhaps achieve greater neutrality, I edited very specific game-related terms so anyone who's familiar with MMORPGs can understand it, as opposed to just the people from this particular game.

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I choose to make this public for obvious reasons.

Hello my dear future employers, I have come to notice your forums are in much turmoil and despair, flooded with (justificable) complaints and bickering. Fighting and bitterness amongst the playerbase runs rampant, and in the future, this bitterness can turn against YOU, the company behind those forums.

What I offer, nay, FORCE into you is a package of ultimate badassery into the realm of forum moderation and cleanliness, your forums will sport a sparkling and overall prettier player base, a player base so clean and tame it would make your best cleaning products and tazers bow their head in shame and quit trying.

I offer swift closure of any thread with complaints about the economic state of the game, I share the same view as you into this point, A vast utopia of rampant hyperinflationary madness and overpricing insanity in which free players, already addicted and sucked into the game by the first levels of care-bear mode are forced, deceived into spending their savings into the game.

I also will, given you pay the DELUXE PACKAGE, wrestle anyone foolish enough to re-open a thread asking for clarification, should they continue, I will use my 16 years of judo training (I sport a shiny, awesome, badass 3rd dan) to make them feel joint pains beyond the realms of advanced stage arthritis.

I will also funnel any PVP related disputes that are taking place into the forums, because of my quasi-omniscient mind prowess I am fully aware that you leave those threads open to sprout and bear black rotten fruits of hate and jealousy, this is due to that bitterness towards a player will make you try to best them, and what better way to best them than charging $2000 worth of cash shop items,upgrading your gears to a ridiculous enchantment level and one-shoting that loudmouth so hard his character gets deleted and his computer explodes to save him from further damage?, I am also proud owner of an insurance company so we could charge computer insurance in this case, everyone wins.

I will deliver swift retribution to any disbeliever, doubters, or merely nay sayers that pululate these forums constantly complaining about how bugs do not get fixed, my omniscient powers tell me there is a big money scheme behind this, especially this particular inter-server PVP map which has been "broken" for 11 months, I know how maniatically evil corporate plans for leeching the life force and money of clients can take long to bear fruit, and I will accompany this process with the appropiate censo... I mean moderation and care.

Note : Retribution shall be dealt in the form of Magic plane attacks, I'm a certified astral traveler and I can attack anyone you so wish to in their dreams, where are they are defenseless, I will also incept ideas into their mind (like a gambling compulsion for 50 cent lottos), much like the movie but with less whining about dead wives.

And finally, I offer you this for the mere sum of 700 dollars worth of cash shop currency monthly into my account.

Looking foward to hear from you soon, my mind-reading and future reading powers tell me you will hire me so I shall start my task immediatly.

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Let's see you delete this one, punks.

Also their forums pageviews must be so poor even this blog may have more, let us see how long before they go ballistic.

Finally, if you so wish to use and edit this bit of text on whatever forum you want to, feel free, just remember to link to the source, i.e. this blog.

Hilarious bootleg (or not) toys.

Hey, double entry today because of my unexplained month and a half hiatus in which I left you guys without terrible, terrible reading material.

Okay it might have been more than a month and a half and it might have just been that I'm lazy and generally terrible at getting my shit togheter, I cannot really make excuses with you, can I?

Oh don't be like that, I'm pretty sure you still love me, deep, deep inside.

Like oil-rig deep.

Anyway, I'm postive most of us have more than once flingled ourselves into obscure cheap-goods places in search of toys, out of necessity or because of the need to make a screaming toddler shut up.

Well except those of you driving ferraris, even tough this recession is hitting everyone and I'm good friends with your your maid who said you no longer wipe your ass with gold coated paper and have gone for silver one instead.

So, in case you're starting to save every stack of hundred dollar bills for that sweet russian nuclear submarine and can't spare cash for your spoiled kid's toys, or you're just a fan of hilarious and sometimes borderline-copyright-infringing toys, this is the guide for you!.

Note : This is in no way an attempt to rip off Cracked's articles on these... articles (well maybe a bit), for that reason text and images used here will NOT BE ones that have appeared in cracked (at least that I know of, unfortunately I have not yet memorized every single article there and I might have uploaded a toy they have aswell)

I am pretty sure this one gets the prize to redundant toys, because if there's something the flash needs is going even faster.

The worst part about this toy is that I'm not even sure if it is a bootleg one or it is an official DC endorsed toy (Notice the correct names such as "The flash" instead of "Crimson running man"), and I'm not sure which option is funnier.

Nothing screams "you're fucked" to a villain like superman riding at full speed on a red velociraptor.

Wait, is that box on the back of the raptor a pizza delivery box?

It looks like Supes had to take a second job, the dialy planet money is not enough to maintain a fortress in the arctic.

Also notice how Superman is NOT Supes but "The thing", or perhaps The Thing has gained a transmorphing ability and now looks like Superman.

I'm pretty sure that last part must be in a comic, after all in an universe where cosmic rays give you super powers instead of cancer anything is possible.

This must is racist on at least 20 different levels.

Also like entry number one, notice the lack of surrogate names, which would make this doll possibly a legit barbie product.

Most people say that whenever we have contact with alien life forms, they will be unlike anything we have ever imagined because our puny minds cannot comprehend the vast expanse of the universe

The "Space visitor" is proof of this, or that this toy was manufactured by aliens.

Aaaaaaand you're now forever scared out of watching pokemon again, ever.

The most over the top metal song ever.

Before you ask, no, it is not Manowar.

Altough Manowar have developed into some sort of fractal cliche band into which each cliche contains and justifies more cliches which in turn contain some more.

Even if every Manowar song is a random mash of the words : Fight; Metal; Gods; Steel; Warriors. This is not about Manowar, a band who I personally love just because I have some sort of hipster sense of loveable cornyness for my music.

No, this is about Burzum.

Just some background, these guys are from Norway, as you (might not) know all bands originating from either Norway or Sweden are three types of bands :

1. Metal
2. Over the top metal.
3. Extremely ridiculous over the top metal.

If there's something black metal is (one of the many subgenres between metal), it's hardcore and grim, these guys are so grim they make edward scissor hands look like the happiest man alive, they're such degrees of evil-badass that the only moment they stop burning churches is to eat wolves beaten with their own hands while sacrificing them unto whatever pagan deity they believe in because they're 27 forms of badass.

                                                Pictured : Grim unhappy people. REM cover.

Or at least that's what they would want you to believe, and they would have suceeded, if not for this :
                                       
We start off to some very, very grim guitars, likely to be found on this genre because black metal is serious goddamn bussiness and these guys will show you how serious it is by letting you bask into the grim cold murderous atmosphere that the guitars will provide this piece of "art".

That is until you notice the "singing" into this particular piece.

At first I coudn't help but notice it, it's so grim and dark, a guy screaming in agony, a guy screaming...

Like he just caught his testicles with the door frame.

It only gets worse from here, at first you can hear him yell like he feels a bit of pain and is kind of unaware of what's happening, much like when you cut yourself while slicing something into julianne strips, it goes almost unnoticed but you know something's amiss.

Then our friend, Lord Darkness Ballcrush starts shouting filled with anger, an anger at the gods, whom he promply curses for letting this pain take over him, this pain that fills his soul with rage and lunacy, he lets the madness slowly fill him as the repetitive snare and minor chords only but augment his wishes of doom upon everything.

Slowly but surely his primal rage surges, here represented by the drums at nearly the middle of the song, as they're beaten in a monotonous rhymth that prides itself into surrounding Lord Dark Testicular Pain with sheer murderous madness.

Finally our "hero" realizes he is impotent against this ruse of the gods, filled with a primal rage unbeknownst to men or beast alike, he has entered a berserker rage and ripped his testes off while trying escape this trap.

The tune slowly fades into just a guitar signifying the agony of Lord Grim Sack-ripper and his demise at the hands of the door's edge.

Oh, if only we had praised the unholy ones enough to afford a pair of slips.

                                                                 Also available in BLACK.

This song teaches you a lesson, never, ever skip wearing undies.

See these black metal guys aren't all that bad, beyond their burning churches and all that they have a message, a message of SAFETY.

Next on ridiculous Metal songs : The tale of the zipper and the bird.